96-93-2, actually, after taking candy from a baby by picking the Browns on Thursday, sadly.
So, the Zeth is packing it in. No more picks from the Zeth this year. There is no point trying to pick against the spread. It can only be beaten by a very select few super-talented individuals who are not keen on sharing their knowledge. The rest of us are going to finish right around .500 with our picks, no matter what method or system we try to use.
But that doesn't mean you aren't getting picks this week. Nay, to the contrary, it means this weekly picks space has taken a level in Awesome. I present to you:
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Week 14 Picks, by The Dragon.
Right, kids, let's do this thing. And remember: you can't lose money you're not stupid enough to put on the table.
These picks are going to be the result of upwards of ten seconds of intense study per game. You can trust me! I'm an expert!
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FALCONS (+10) over Saints (Right, 2-0)
That is a batshit line. The Saints are great and all, et cetera, but what, you were asleep last week, when they kind of sluggishly did what it took and not a mote more to win? You think that'll be any different this week? Not to mention the Falcons are at home, and this is NFC South. The hell with that. You hate your money? Put it on the Saints and you will never see it again.
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Packers (-5) over BEARS (Right, 3-0)
Congratulations, Chicago Bears: Enjoy the curse of Sexy Rexy for the rest of your f---ing history. You ditch the man so you can bring in some f---ing petulant 11-year-old with a berzerk pituitary gland, and you expect the football gods to honor this? The football gods will be pissing on your grave 100 years from now, and honoring the Packers for kicking that asshat QB Vikings to the curb. Even if Mike McCarthy was involved.
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PEYTONS (-7) over Broncos (Right, 4-0)
Although The Dragon approves of the Cap'n Neckbeard, and will punch your face in if you do not. Just a friendly reminder. It's that just, like the rest of humanity, the Cap'n is just a little short on ammo to trade laser rockets with the Man.
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Bills (+2) over CHEFS (Right, 5-0)
I am totally calling this: Chefs win by one point. 14-13, or possibly 10-9. Probably on a touchdown return of some kind. And no one will watch, because frankly we all have something better to do than watch the Bills play the Chefs, even if it's pulling out our toenails, or watching P.S. I Love You with our girlfriends.
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Bengals (+7) over VIKINGS (Wrong, 5-1)
Giddyup, cowpokes! It's time to ride the Vikings Collapse Bandwagon all the way in to its glorious blaze of glory at the Divisional Playoff Round station! You can set your watch to the Vikings collapsing.
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Panthers (+13) over PATRIOTS (Right, 6-1)
I don't know what the hell is up with Belichick--my best guess is he went back to his home planet and is now being impersonated by Tom Coughlin's more draconian brother--but you can't trust that dude at all anymore. That whole sending four guys home and then suspending Adalius Thomas because they were 9 minutes late in a snowstorm thing? That's right out of the f---ing Ray Rhodes Playbook. Its only purpose is to scream to the world, 'I AM BILL BELICHICK AND I AM GOD!!!' Which might be true. But it still is no way to coach a football team. The hell with that. I am taking my money and loading it up on Matt f***ing Moore against a Belichick team. So there.
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BUCCANEERS (+4) over Jets (Wrong, 6-2)
The Jets suck ass. Just because you close your eyes and refuse to believe it doesn't make it go away.
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Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS (Right, 7-2)
Rule 5a.
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Lions (+14) over RAVENS (Wrong, 7-3)
You know what? There is this football team that played this other football team. The other football team was coming off a loss to the f---ing Chefs, and in the next two weeks would lose to the f---ing Raiders and the motherf---ing BROWNS. And in this game alone, that other team was starting a quarterback that had never thrown a goddamn pass in the NFL before; it had its starting quarterback for those other three stellar performances.
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And this football team? It needed f---ing overtime to put that football team away.
You bet your ass I'm betting the house on the f---ing Lions.
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TEXANS (-7) over Seahawks (Right, 8-3)
Yeah, sounds like one of those 41-14 beatdowns that keeps a guy like Gary Kubiak around for years after his shelf life expired. God, the Texans must be hell to try and be a fan of. Even aside from the fact they have f---ing cows on their helmets.
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Rams (+13) over FLAMING THUMBTACKS (Wrong, 8-4)
GOOD GOD! Th... that... that's KERRY COLLINS'S MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!
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Redskins (+1) over RAIDERS (Right, 9-4)
It has come to this, Redskins fans: Your team is an underdog to the Oakland goatse'ing Raiders. If you want to put a paper bag over your head and then shoot yourself in the face, or at least do a Gus Frerotte impression, no jury in the nation will convict you.
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If you've noticed trends of 'The Dragon likes to pick road teams' and 'The Dragon likes to take the points', you are totally f---ing wrong. I am making these picks completely at random. Looks like you got pwned again.
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Chargers (+3) over COWBOYS (Right, 10-4)
Team A hasn't lost in December since the dark days when Craig Whelihan roamed the earth. Team B hasn't won in December since the Protestant Reformation. Think... think... think...
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Hey, I got it! Let's make Team B a three point favorite!
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That is so f---ing money!
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GIANTS (-1) over Eagles (Wrong, 10-5)
If you think the Eagles are winning this to run to 9-4 and cruise into the playoffs, you have not been paying attention to the Eagles the past 10 years.
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49ERS (+4) over Cardinals
What a froot loop of a line. The Cardinals may be NFC Champions and all, but the Cardinals, are, were, and always will be the 49ers' bitch. Even when Alex Smith was calling the shots, the Cardinals were the 49ers' bitch.
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Wait, what the f---? Alex Smith is still calling the shots? Who the hell let this happen!?!?
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(Ed. Note: BE CAREFUL! IT'S A TRAP!)
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