Bryan's Week 11 picks

Week 10 was my bye week. I looked at the lines and was struck by fear. Flaming Thumbtacks -7? Raiders -2?! No thanks. I don't even know where my record is now, but I'll pick the inevitable collapse back up this week.

Dolphins (+3) over PANTHERS (Right, 1-0)
Honestly, I had this one picked out the instant I saw "Panthers -3". I've soured on the Falcons, so I didn't hold Carolina's victory over them in the high regard that some people do. Plus some yutzes just forgot that the home team always wins and covers in NFC South intradivisional matchups. Not so much the case outside of the division, obviously.

LIONS (-3.5) over Browns (Wrong, 1-1)
As if Rams-Lions wasn't enough to make us lose our lunch, here's Toilet Bowl II! I'm simply taking the more consistent team here, because I have a better chance of knowing what I'm getting. While it is true that the Browns actually do something well -- return kicks and punts -- Josh Cribbs ain't gonna do anything fancy this week.

Bills (+8.5) over JAGUARS (Right, 2-1)
Rule 5a. I'd call it the lock of the week, but it's unethical to take candy from a baby. So let's move on.

Steelers (-10.5) over CHEFS (Wrong, 2-2)
I'm not feeling too good about this one, but with the Chefs' only real weapon sidelined for being a doper, I just can't see the Steelers failing to win by at least two touchdowns here.

RAVENS (+1.5) over Colts (Wrong, 2-3)
I wasn't particularly compelled to go either way here, which is kind of a shame because this should be a very good matchup between two of the better teams in the league. Not much else to say, really.

GIANTS (-7) over Falcons (Wrong, 2-4)
Matt Ryan just isn't the superstar that some of us pegged him as. Sure, it was a fun ride -- until somebody built the Game Film Wall right in the middle of the friggin' road. Big day from Cap'n Eli on tap.

49ers (+6.5) over PACKERS (Right, 3-4)
Don't let last week's patented Wade Collapse™ fool you -- the Packers aren't that good. Look for about five sacks on Aaron Rodgers here. Watching him last week, it became fairly obvious that he favors the Ben Roethlisberger approach to passing, e.g. better to release the ball too late than too soon. Problem is, he's not Ben Roethlisberger. A 6'5", 240-pound man who's built like an Abrams tank can get away with that from time to time. 6'2", 220 and spongy? Not so much. Side note: Take the under here at 42. These defenses are stout.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seahawks (Right, 4-4)
Much like the Wade Collapse™, the Childress Collapse™ looms over the Vikings' seemingly dream season, preparing to once again crush the hopes of the twin cities. This is especially true since Childress got his big extension. That said, I don't think the collapse begins in Minneapolis against the Seahawks.

COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins (Wrong, 4-5)
No Haynesworth, no cover. This is not going to be pretty.

Saints (-10.5) over BUCCANEERS (Right, 5-5)
I'm going to hate myself for this, but I'm disregarding Rule 7a. The Panthers -- the Panthers -- came into Tampa and beat the Bucs earlier this year, and things haven't really gotten better since then.

Cardinals (-9) over RAMS
Yes, yes. The instant Arizona strings a couple of good victories together, the betting public falls in love with them again, only to get another dagger in the heart. But... come on, it's the Rams.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Jets
There aren't enough points in the world. The Patriots are pissed. Lock of the week.

RAIDERS (+9.5) over Bengals
It's the backup QB effect. Hell, anything's an improvement over JaKyle Boller, right? PS: The Bizarro Bengals can FU--

Chargers (-5.5) over BRONCOS
For funsies, let's assume Orton starts and the line is something like Broncos -3. I don't care if it's -7 or +7, the honeymoon's over in Denver. You say Cap'n Neckbeard, I say Chris Simms, you say tomato, I say bad quarterback. I don't like Phil Rivers against a very good Broncos d-line, but I like QB Broncos even less. (8:53 AM -- Simms is the starter. Not enough points in the world, friends. -THE ESTABLISHMENT)

Eagles (-3) over BEARS
The Zeth will tell you to be careful. He'll tell you that this is a trap. And he'll probably also tell you that the Eagles are going to show the world that they're the Eagles by getting blown off the field here. And then I will tell the Zeth to take a long walk on a short pier. Read these next three words carefully, folks: THE BEARS SUCK. This could very well be the trap game of the week, but in my opinion the Schizoid Three (Jaguars, Cardinals, Eagles) can't be involved in trap games -- they crap the bed themselves just fine. But I digress, Chicago sucks, end of story.

Flaming Thumbtacks (+4) over TEXANS
Hmm, that doesn't look right...

TEXANS (-4) over Flaming Thumbtacks
Neither does that...

Flaming Thumbtacks (-4) over TEXANS
Nor that.

TEXANS (+4) over Flaming Thumbtacks
Damn it all to hell.

Flaming Thumbtacks (+4) over Texans
Gut pick. Frankly I don't give a damn about either team but it's nice to see that Jeff Fisher's job has been secured.