NFL Team Rankings, Week 4

'Week 4' means after week 4, obviously. Calling it week 5's rankings before week 5 is played never made any sense to me. And by the way, I don't move teams around the rankings based on whether they won, lost or drew last week. I rank the teams based on my sincerest guess as to how good they really are. In most cases a team at spot X, I expect would beat almost all of the teams ranked below it in a fair fight at a neutral site.

1. New Orleans Saints (4)

You know who has the #1 defense in football, according to the supremely awesome DVOA? That's right: The New Orleans freakin' Saints. Good heavens. Their defense isn't really that good--LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE !!-- but these boys are here to stay.

2. Indianapolis Colts (2)

Meet the new coach figurehead, same as the old figurehead. It's the same team the Colts have fielded since 2002, regardless of who the coach figurehead or defensive players or wide receivers or running backs might be. And head coach/offensive Coordinator/quarterback/supreme-dictator-for-life Peyton Manning looks like he wants his records back, and he doesn't even give a Tarvaris Jackson who the receivers are.

3. Baltimore Ravens (1)

A close loss in New England when the referees were raping them so badly it was reminiscent of the Indianapolis Screwjob is not a bad thing. I see no reason not to continue to view the Ravens as one of the best teams in the NFL, and Joe Flacco as really good.

4. New York Giants (4)

They'd take a tumble if they wind up without Eli Manning's services for any length of time. That's how bad David Carr is. I know your quarterback has never missed a game, but still... you can do better than David Carr, can't you?

5. Minnesota Favres (5)

Monday night was as expected--the officials just weren't going to let the Favres lose. They're still on Brett Favre for the epic Brett Favre Brett Favre is near-guaranteed to Brett Favre for them. Badly Brett Favre teams are Brett Favre that way.

7. New England Patriots (13)

See the Baltimore Ravens comment. That said, even with massive zebra assistance, beating the Baltimore Ravens is pretty impressive, and reports of the Patriots' demise may have been exaggerated. They still look likely to run away and hide from the AFC East, though a bye is unlikely.

8. Atlanta Falcons (7)

The Falcons are a good team, even if their defense is questionable (read: bad). Matt Ryan is better than people realize.

8. Denver Broncos (8)

This team is not really that good. Good enough to take the pitiful AFC West at 9-7 or 10-6, yes, given their schedule (in addition to the five automatic wins their division provides them, they still get to feast on the Steelers and Redskins too.) That the Broncos rank 8th is a testament to an NFL that's as top-heavy/bottom-heavy as I can ever remember seeing it.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (10)

Pretty much the same good but unstable team they've been for ten years now. The over-under on how many weeks Donovan McNabb lasts before getting hurt again is 2.5.

10. Chicago Bears (11)

Whipping the Lions 48-24 tells us nothing we didn't already know about them. They're a Jay Cutler team, so they can light up bad defenses; their defense sans Urlacher is mediocre; and they remain badly coached. Yet they remain very much alive in the NFC North, because once you've stared at Brad Childress for 15 minutes, it's no problem to squint at Lovie Smith and see Vince Lombardi.


11. Green Bay Packers (12)

Again, their zebra-aided loss to the Vikings in Minnesota doesn't change anything about what kind of team they are. They're pretty good, not great. All of these teams in the 8 to 20 or so range are almost interchangeable in overall quality; unless particularly good/bad matchups dictate (the Texans have trouble beating the Jets), if any two teams in this range meet, home team usually wins close.

12. Dallas Cowboys (13)

This team is so very, very badly coached, and I have no idea what to make of Tony Home Romo.

13. New York Jets (14)

Yes, they lost and moved up a spot, because (a) they lost to the best team in the NFL, (b) I had the Jets down here to begin with, because I wasn't fooled by how good their easy first three opponents made them look, and (c) I now know I was horribly wrong about the Chargers and am correcting for it. When a game turns out pretty much exactly how I expected it to--I expected the Saints to handily beat the Jets--my evaluation of the teams involved won't change much.

14. Houston Texans (15)

The sad thing is, this is probably the best team the Texans have ever fielded.

15. San Francisco 49ers (16)

Some "experts" are going to shoot the 49ers ten spots up their "power rankings" because they won 35-0. An average team should beat the Rams 35-0. And the 49ers have a very weak offense.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers (17)

Barely holding on to beat the Chargers at home on the east coast is... what mediocre teams do. Read this and keep your face straight: The Pittsburgh Steelers are an all-offense, no-defense, all-passing, no-rushing aerial circus. None of that was a typo or a prank. Seriously. The Steelers' defense is below-average, their offense is top-10, and it's mostly their passing game. Their o-line has dramatically improved--last year it was historically bad, and this year it's merely below-average--but their defense has dramatically declined. When Polamalu gets back it will improve, but only to average, not to great. This is a mediocre football team that will finish 9-7.

17. San Diego Chargers (6)

Bad, bad, bad defense. The Chargers just made Rashard Mendenhall into a brief superstar. Yikes. Plus they're coached by Norv. This year is going into the tank.

18. Arizona Cardinals

Pretty much the same Warner-era Cardinals as always. Hot and cold, hot and cold.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars

Beating the Flaming Thumbtacks is not that impressive. The Flaming Thumbtacks are a bad team.

20. Miami Dolphins

I have to say, I love what their coaching staff is up to. Not that handing Dick Jauron his ass is an achievement worthy of a 200-foot marble statue, but this team is a lot of fun to watch.

21. Cincinnati Bengals

Pitiful performance against the Cleveland Browns, who I would call abysmal had abysses everywhere not filed a class-action defamation lawsuit to prevent it. Their wins over the Packers and Steelers may say a lot more about the Packers and Steelers than they do about the Bengals.

22. Carolina Panthers

So, John Fox has finally reached the end of the line. This pain is necessary, Carolina fans. Good things are coming when Koach Koacher finally takes over the ship he's coveted for three years and counting. And always remember the lesson of John Fox, kids: If you're staking your job on Jake Delhomme, that means you're staking your job on Jake Delhomme.

23. Buffalo Bills

WHY DO SO MANY OBVIOUSLY TERRIBLE COACHES GET TO KEEP HEAD COACHING JOBS IN THE NFL FOR YEARS ON END!?!?!?!

24. Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks

The Flaming Thumbtacks are on their way to a 4-12 year owing to the misfortune of not getting any of the other pitiful teams in the league on their schedule. Hopefully they won't waste their top-ten pick on a thug's thug or on Kordell Stewart Lite this time around.

25. Washington Redskins

I have no idea where to even start in describing this team's problems.

26. Seattle Seahawks

I know where to start in describing this team's problems, though: Their coach is overmatched in this job. So is their defense, particularly their secondary.

27. Oakland Raiders

Only a respectable defense saves them from Missouri Land. JaMarcus Russell is starting to give Alex Smith a run for his money for the highly coveted title of Worst Quarterback to Ever Start in the NFL.

28. Detroit Lions

Now with new and improved coaching! The planned talent upgrade has been delayed, however.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

30. Cleveland Browns

31. Kansas City Chefs

32. St. Louis Rams