NFL Team Rankings: Week 7

The numbers in parentheses, if you're the kind of person that won't touch your remote control until you've read the instructions in all available languages, denote that team's ranking the last time I ranked teams, two weeks ago.

1. New Orleans Saints (1)

2. Indianapolis Peytons (2)

I want to start a movement to just go ahead and re-name the franchise after the man who owns it in all but the most technical formalities. This happened before, way back in the 1900s (the decade), when the then Cleveland Bronchos briefly renamed themselves the Cleveland Naps in honor of their star, Nap Lajoie. (They subsequently took the moniker 'Indians', of course.) The Indianapolis team needs to do this, as well. Has any sports franchise's identity ever been so dominated by one man? Jordan with the Bulls, maybe. That's about it.

It's patently obvious by now that the Saints and Peytons stand head-and-shoulders over the rest of the NFL. If they don't meet in the Super Bowl it will be a major upset, or caused by a crippling injury. Virtually everyone, even the 'experts', have the Colts and Saints 1-2.

3. Minnesota Favres (5)

It's only surprising Brett Favre hasn't thought to have written into his contract that whatever team he plays for has to rename itself the Favres. You know, to increase exposure.

The Vikings are, as always, a mirage; they'll collapse later in the year like they always do. Some teams you can count on like the sun.

4. New York Giants (4)

Getting blown out by the Saints isn't really anything to feel terrible about. The 'experts' always overreact and drop the Giants to 10th or something, but honestly... do you want to argue the Broncos would beat the Giants on a neutral field next weekend? The Ravens, the Patriots, the Bears? I don't think so. The Giants remain an elite team.

5. Denver Broncos (8)

Every week I expect the Broncos to finally revert to being mediocre, but every week they keep playing super-solid football and winning. I get the feeling this is a down year for the NFL as a whole, with loads of mediocre or bad teams, and no way in hell this Broncos team cracks the top 5 in, say, 2004, right? The Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Eagles... those teams were LOADED. And the 2004 Broncos were pretty good, and the Rams were still around... you get the idea.

6. Baltimore Ravens (3)

The Ravens are now 3-3 and I still am ranking them 6th in the league. Guess I just can't quit them. Shaky as their once-immovable defense has become... I don't expect them to usually lose to the Patriots on a neutral field, or the Falcons, or the Eagles, and those teams are the competition. Out of those four, the Ravens are the best team, and I still expect them to finish 11-5 and take the AFC North, with the Steelers at 9-7 and the Bengals at 7-9.

7. New England Patriots (6)

So, a team wins 59-0 and moves down a slot (thanks to the rising Broncos, who edged them in Denver.) Beating the Flaming Thumbtacks, even destroying them, doesn't really mean that much. Tom Brady remains eminently unstable except where it comes to overthrowing wide open receivers downfield (where he remains super-reliable, except when it's snowing.) It's projected to be a long, cold, snowy winter in the northeast; that plays right into Bill Belichick's sinister hands.....

8. Atlanta Falcons (7)

We haven't really learned anything new about the Falcons since the start of the year. They're a good team that's going to go 11-5 or 12-4 and have to settle for a wild card because the Saints are just that awesome.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (8)

Look, they're the Eagles. You can never, ever count on them not to inexplicably take a week off and let some crapsack team like the Raiders waltz all over them. Gun to my head, I'd still take them to beat the Packers, Steelers, 49ers, etc. on a neutral field next week.

10. Chicago Bears (10)

The Bears' leading rusher last week in a close game against the Falcons, who have never been compared to the 1975 Steelers, with 34 yards on 3 carries: Jay Cutler. The Bears' idea of game planning continues to be bizarre. The Zeth remains convinced that with good coaching, the Bears would be a real contender in the NFC.

11. Green Bay Packers (11)

Any team ranked in the top half ought to be able to wax the Lions.

12. Houston Texans (14)

Comfortably beating the Bengals is further proof that the Texans are a solid team. Matt Schaub is already precariously near his personal record for staying healthy at a stretch, so it should be Sexy Rexy time in 3..2..1...

13. Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

The Browns game was just more of what we already knew: The Steelers are awesome at throwing the ball, pretty good at stopping the run, and bad at everything else. Well, Derek Anderson's idea of an air raid lends itself to the misconception that the pass defense is any good, but the Favres will take care of that this week. Also notable: Despite what you might have heard, the Steelers' kick coverage still sucks. I have no idea what exactly has been wrong for the past 20 years or why the Steelers have no interest in trying to fix it. The Zeth would like to know, however: WHY DO YOU LET JOSH CRIBBS TOUCH THE BALL? You have one of the league's most accurate punters: PUNT THE BALL OUT OF BOUNDS! Sheesh. If you have terrible kick coverage teams--and you should know that you do, since you have since the first Bush administration--you really should be smart enough to just squib the ball every kickoff against the elite return men.

14. San Francisco 49ers (15)

Their next two games are @Texans and @Colts, which will drop them to 3-4, and unless they can sweep their division the rest of the year, that will be all she wrote for 49ers, Trendy Playoff Pick. It's still a much better team than the Zeth ever suspected, and you shouldn't expect the 49ers to drop a whole lot from their current position two weeks from now after they've lost 24-16 to the Texans and 35-6 to the Colts; that's what the Zeth expects them to do, or he would have them ranked higher already.

15. Dallas Cowboys (12)

Cowboys fans everywhere are keeping their fingers crossed, hoping against hope that the team bursts into flames and spirals into scorching 5-11 oblivion, because that's the only way their long collective Wade Phillips nightmare will end. And please don't remind them that nobody except bad retreads and unqualified young guys is willing to work for Jerry Jones. They have enough stress jabbing knives into their souls already.