Week 7 Picks: The March to Mediocrity Continues

7-7 last week, 46-44 overall, betting money against the spread is a fool's errand. The Zeth is not a fool, but he is fond of playing make-believe with what he would do if he was.

CHEFS (+5.5) over Chargers (Wrong, 0-1)

It's still October, so the Chargers ain't got it. The game against the Broncos wasn't as close as the scoresheet makes it look. Chefs cover, possibly win.

Colts (-14) over RAMS (Right, 1-1)

Hoo boy, Peyton Manning's air raid on turf. Good times for everyone except Rams fans.

BROWNS (+9) over Packers (Wrong, 1-2)

There's a trend this week: Lots of big home underdogs. Back all the visiting favorites and lay double digits or close to it at your own peril.

Vikings (+6) over STEELERS (Wrong, 1-3)

Lock of the decade. It would be the lock of the week if it was Steelers +6. The Vikings are a lot better than the Steelers, but normally that wouldn't impress the Zeth much, since Brad Childress is involved. But check the talent distribution--the Vikings, like the Bears, are a nightmare matchup for the Steelers. By the way: Bet the under. Look for a final score like 28-13.

Patriots (-15) over BUCCANEERS (Right, 2-3)

The Zeth can't see this game being close in the slightest. Something like 24-7 Patriots sounds about right.

TEXANS (-3) over 49ers (Push, 2-3-1)

Flip a coin; it's just as well. These teams are of about even quality and mirror images of each other (one is all offense, no defense, the other no offense, all defense). You'll know who's going to win by the time the second quarter starts: If the Texans lead by more than 6, they will win. If not, the 49ers will win. The 49ers are not built to play from behind, and the Texans are one of those teams, like the Cardinals, who you know after their first drive whether they have their fastball today or not.

Jets (-6) over RAIDERS (Right, 3-3-1)

It's just a smidgen too many points for the Jets to be laying on the west coast against even the Raiders. Vegas expects the Jets to cover six points, or they wouldn't be encouraging Raiders action so strongly.

PANTHERS (-7) over Bills (Wrong, 3-4-1)

Yeah... you can talk the Zeth into betting against Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road. Even against a really bad opponent. Even laying a touchdown to said bad opponent.

Bears (PK) over BENGALS (Wrong, 3-5-1)

The Zeth never has believed in the Bengals and still doesn't. Look around Paul Brown Stadium for some mirrors or lights or something; they have to be using special effects to make it seem like Lovie Smith and Marvin Lewis are different people.

Saints (-6.5) over DOLPHINS (Right, 4-5-1)

Yes, the Saints will trip up sometime. Yes, there's a fan chance it will happen against the bizarro high-school-style Dolphins. Yes, the Zeth will happily plunk his money down on the best team in the NFL anytime he can do so and lay less than a touchdown.

COWBOYS (-4.5) over Falcons (Right, 5-5-1)

BE CAREFUL! IT'S A TRAP!

GIANTS (-7) over Cardinals (Wrong, 5-6-1)

Who the hell cares. It's not like anyone on earth can predict what the Cardinals are going to do any better than a monkey throwing darts, anyway.

Eagles (-7) over REDSKINS (Right, 6-6-1)

Laying only seven points to a team so bad it has played six consecutive winless teams, and lost to four of them? You think last week's embarrassment against the Raiders spooked the bettors much?

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Now, because the Zeth doesn't like to miss an opportunity to embarrass himself in public, he will play a game called 'the Zeth tries to make money'. It's simple: the Zeth bets actual, honest-to-goodness fake money, $100 at a time, on whatever he thinks is an especially good bet. This week:

$100 on Packers (+6) over STEELERS (Wrong, -$100)

Because the Zeth likes free money.

$100 on the under (43) on Steelers-Packers (Wrong, -$200)

Intentionally set by Vegas to induce heavy action on the over. Which is exactly what happened.

$100 on the under (46) on Rams-Colts (Wrong, -$300)

Because, once again, the Zeth likes free money. The Rams can't score, the Colts will be up 27-3 by halftime, and you should not expect them to go running up the score. On all but about three or four occasions a year, to have a high-scoring game you need to have both teams scoring.

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Brett Favre fan FU--
Until the handle breaks off and I shove it up his a
Then I'd go into the hardcore stuff.
--and -- make him regret being born a man.